Leaders: When Are You Coaching, Mentoring or Consulting?

Coach. Mentor. Consultant. Most leaders use the words like they mean the same thing. They don't.

I first wrote about this back in 2012, when I was setting up mentoring and coaching programmes for organisations around New Zealand. The toolbox hasn't changed since. What has changed is that every leader now has a very fast, very confident expert sitting in their browser. Which makes knowing the difference more important, not less.

Here's the problem I kept running into. Put a leadership or mentoring programme into a business and you'll find everyone has a different idea of what coaching and mentoring actually are. And a different idea of what their job is when they're doing it.

So before anything else, get everyone on the same page about what the words mean. The easiest way I've found? Think of them as tools in a leader's toolbox.

The leader's toolbox

There are five tools in it:

• Consultant (or expert). Directive. You've got the answer and you hand it over. In effect, the team outsources the thinking to you.
• Trainer. There's a skills gap. You teach the skill and transfer the knowledge.
• Facilitator. You run the process. You're not trying to decide the outcome; you're helping your people reach one themselves.
• Mentor. You share relevant experience and act as a guide.
• Coach. You ask questions that raise awareness. Specific to a goal, and focused on the future.

Good leaders use all five, depending on what the moment needs. Often they'll move between them several times in one meeting. Giving advice one minute, telling a story from their own experience the next, then facilitating a conversation so the team lands on its own decision.

So the real question is: what's right for this moment?

Sometimes you need to be the expert and say "this is what we're doing." Fine. But if you want people who think for themselves and don't need you for every call, you'll lean more on coaching and mentoring.

There's a line often attributed to Benjamin Franklin: "Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn." That shift, from telling to involving, is what moving from manager to leader is really about. I've always called it "coach, don't play."

So what's the difference between coaching and mentoring?

There's overlap. But here's the simple version.

Coaching usually zeroes in on one specific thing that needs to get better. The coach runs a structured conversation: awareness, reflection, choice, action. The coach doesn't need to know your industry at all. They rely on technique: good questions, acknowledgement rather than judgement, and the discipline not to jump in with the answer.

Mentoring runs through the same awareness, reflection, choice and action. But the mentor brings their own experience to the table and uses it as a guide. The conversations range much wider. A mentor might coach a bit, teach a bit, or send you off to a specialist.

The trap for a mentor? Slipping into expert mode at the exact moment the mentee needs to make a decision. It's their call. Not what you would have done.

A young chef, three helpers

Picture a talented young chef who wants a career in fine dining. She asks three people for help.

The mentor owns a restaurant and used to cook. She knows what the young chef needs to do and can guide her every step of the way. Not just the cooking, either. How to handle front of house. What the hours will do to her life. How to keep her head when the kitchen's slammed on a Saturday night.

The coach focuses on how she works in the kitchen. Breaks it down with her, tests her, helps her sharpen her approach so she hits her goals. The coach may never have set foot in a busy kitchen. Doesn't matter. The ability to see things differently, and help her see it too, is what makes the coach invaluable.

The expert gets young chefs ready for top restaurants. He looks at her technique and tells her exactly what to fix. Where the coach spent the time helping her work it out for herself, the expert just told her. In detail.

Three helpers. Three completely different conversations. All useful.

Relax: you get to choose

Here's the bit that takes the pressure off. Nobody's asking you to be a purist. Like most things in business, a shade of grey usually works best.

There'll be times when it's absolutely fine to switch tools. What matters is that you know you're doing it, and you're clear about the outcome you want.

Years ago I worked on a mentoring programme for the recruitment industry across New Zealand and Australia, pairing mentors and mentees from different firms. Some mentees ran their own businesses. Others were climbing the ladder in the big corporate firms.

One thing came up again and again at the mentor catch-ups. Sometimes the mentee just wants advice. And that's fine! They wouldn't be mentors if they didn't have the experience. What the good mentors watched for was telling mentees what to do about the goals the mentee had set. Guide, yes. Decide, no. The final call always belongs to the mentee.

What's changed since 2012

The expert is now in everyone's pocket.

AI will give anyone a confident, well-written answer to almost anything, in seconds. That's the consultant tool, handed to your whole team for next to nothing. (Whether the answer is right for your business is another matter.)

Which means the expert is the tool your people need from you least. They can get answers on their own. What they can't get from a chat window is someone who's been there (a mentor), someone who asks the question that changes how they see the problem (a coach), or someone who helps a leadership team land on a decision they all own (a facilitator).

And a leader who still defaults to telling? They're competing with a machine at the one thing it does best. Good luck with that.

Why it matters

Every time I've helped put a mentoring or coaching programme in place, the toolbox has been the first building block. Because it:

• gives each person clarity about their role
• sets the expectations people have of each other
• gives the sessions some structure
• gives everyone a common language, so anyone can say "this is getting a bit too much tell (expert) and not enough ask (mentor or coach)."

And here's the bit people don't expect. These programmes develop the mentors and coaches just as much as the people they're helping. I've heard plenty of mentors say the toolbox changed how they lead their own teams, not just how they ran their sessions.

Good luck out there. And don't forget to have fun!